Nairobians are subconsciously controlled by weather patterns, which means having forecasts at your fingertips (or smartphone) is key if you’re to survive in this concrete jungle. By Josaya Wasonga.
Three signs to show ‘winter’ is here. One: passengers in matatus are fast asleep on the morning commute. They’re paying up sleep debt, extending sleep, or it’s ‘something else’. Two: pedestrians walk with clenched fists hibernating inside their pockets, bodies curled into tight balls. Shuffling along like clones. It’s not a sci-fi set. These androids are working body heat the only way they know. Hold it.
What would happen if it snowed in Nairobi? If the mere thought of a drizzle mutates our matatu touts into ticket scalpers and the resulting gridlock can force Evans Kidero to declare a countywide disaster, I swear snowfall would turn our city in the sun into a ghost town. Repeat after me: “Lord, give us this day our daily fairweather. Amen.”
Moving on swiftly to three. For honchos, chances are this is when you will be dishing out a gazillion warnings for lateness. Boss, guys are sleeping their freezing behinds to (warm) death and good health because in July/August, the early bud catches the cold.
Sex and the chilly. I was picking my wife’s brain about this when she brought this little fact to my attention. “Darling,” she piped up, “this is also when many women in Nairobi get pregnant.”
This has a lot to do with the ‘something else’ I mentioned earlier. If you’re an April/May baby, do the math… and geography.
Chilly weather doesn’t, however, seem to cause our glam girls to lose their fashionista streaks.
Don’t be shocked if, on a Monday morning cold enough to freeze the water on the High Court statue, you see a Nairobi lady in a ‘nude’, fishnet stockings and plastic baby dolls. See, it’s still heat island for some of our sexy sisters. Nairobi is the fashion capital of Africa. (Sorry, I should add a noun between the words ‘fashion’ and ‘capital’… disaster.)
Management classes. Nairobians love their holidays and, unless a random gig happens, July/August/September is the longest we go sans partying at our employer’s expense. Which means? Guys simply lose it. (Health experts opine that cold weather can make people nuts.) I’m reliably informed that it was for this reason that the drafters of our constitution set the general election on the second Tuesday of August, every fifth year.
I propose weather management classes for Nairobians. Topics to include how not to lose our frozen heads, how to lick matatu crews at their own weather con games, lobbying for rollout of ‘m-heaters’ by the Jubilee Government and – extremely important – how to take the weatherman at his word. Sadly, we only do so when there’s a disaster we’d been forewarned about, conveniently forgetting we’d flipped the bird at the messenger just the other season.
Speaking of which, I’ve gone to the trouble of getting y’all beautiful people the capital’s updates for August: “Most areas in the Central Highlands and Nairobi are expected to experience cool and cloudy conditions with occasional light morning rains/drizzles.”